I feel like I’m supposed to move on with my life or some shit but I don’t want to because I miss her.
On another note, I fucking hate being sick on the weekend but one good thing that’s happened lately is that I may have found a new place to live, so I’m stoked about that.
Life is full of positive and negatives and that is definitely more clear to me lately.
I hate going to the gym when it’s packed but ima go anyway. Fuck it.
I shouldve been a better guy. I should’ve married you. I should’ve just been better. Then I wouldn’t have to be talkin about what I should’ve, would’ve, and couldve done. This is the worst.
Every time unfortunate things happen to me or to people that I care about, I always immediately start to pray, which is strange because I don’t believe in religion but for some reason I hold on to this idea of prayer despite the fact that I don’t believe in “Jesus”. I believe in some sort of higher power and I believe in the universe, rather than believing in god. Ever since I was young, I would pray when I felt like I needed something to hear me or if I felt like I needed to get something out in the open or if I just wanted to wish for better things to happen whether it’s for me or someone I love. My uncle just died recently and I thought about whether or not he went anywhere after he died and I really just believe that he is in a better place, I don’t believe that that place is called heaven because there is no such thing but I do believe that wherever he is it is better than where we all are now, somewhere up above the cosmos where people don’t treat each other like shit and hate doesn’t fuel the world, somewhere where love really does mean everything. All of this came to mind again when I woke up this morning. Then I started to think about my own life and my relationship with my best friend and how I’ve been a coward and how I’ve let things get and how things in her life have been going. She don’t deserve any of the bad stuff that’s been thrown her way lately. I know that I have contributed to some of that stuff but she really does not deserve any of it and I hope that I can try to make things better. We only get one life to live in this world and whether we are born again and come back as something else in another life is extremely questionable but this is the only life that we are aware of, this is the only life that we get to live and if we are not here to treat people right and be good people then we’re wasting our time here and for a while I was definitely wasting my life being a whiney, selfish, prick but I just fucking don’t have time to waste it fucking up everything in my path.
Life is absolutely what you make it, 100% completely.